Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
