I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
