I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
