I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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