I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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