i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
