are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just found puke in my bra..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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