I hate all girls vehemently.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize