I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize