i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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