Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
