I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just googled if crying burns calories
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
