I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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