If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
