i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
