My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
