There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize