Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
