you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
