First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
