if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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