evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
