Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
