no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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