Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
