you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
