I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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