Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize