**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
