just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize