For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
