My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
