I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
