I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You can't just leave with hair like that
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
