we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Couch. On fire.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
