Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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