I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
