Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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