Don't make out with my wife yet
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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