I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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