you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
