So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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