ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
