somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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