Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Enjoy the penises
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
