I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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