sorry about calling you the devil all night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
