You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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