if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
