haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
