the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
