I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
