I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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