Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
